


Sky's falling but I feel like flying

by SeptiShad



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Overthinking, References to Depression, Team Bonding, Team as Family, The Author Regrets Everything, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 05:23:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20651906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptiShad/pseuds/SeptiShad
Summary: Maybe he shouldn't be here standing on this podium but he didn't come so far to give up now. If life wrote his story as a failure then he should rewrite it.Update 15th every month.





	1. Chapter 1

The results were out, he should be happy, he should be overjoyed even but deep down he knew he shouldn't be in this position, he wasn't enough. He wanted to see eliminated trainees, his friends but he just couldn't face them, he should've been eliminated so why was he here now? Why weren't they here? He didn't deserve this spot, it belongs to jinhyuk hyung and everyone knew it, how was he supposed to look at people when he stole what wasn't his and they all witnessed it. Crying and shaking on empty staircase, how pathetic was that, he should at least pretend he was satisfied with the score. He composed himself somehow and said goodbye to everyone, he was keeping it short from the lack of energy but fate really hated him.  
\- "Eunsangie! Where are going?" Screamed Seungwoo running from the other end of the hall with Wooseok  
\- "I was about to go home, tomorrow we're moving to the dorm so I wanted to spend some time with others before if you don't mind hyungs" he was looking at the floor avoiding eye contact  
\- "Of course we don't, get some rest. We will see eachother tomorrow." Seungwoo smiled at him warmly and it should make him feel better but he wanted to throw up instead. He quickly said bye and run as fast as he could. Rationally speaking he knew hyung meant well but it was obviously that was fake, he probably didn't want to talk to him at all but others needed to see they were on good terms and he brought Wooseok with him, it was to show him how hard he will have to work to prove he's worthy even though he wasn't. He was laying in bed, another sleepless night to add to the list. His brain couldn't shut up for at least a minute, thoughts plaguing his mind were terrifying no matter how right there were. Since he couldn't fall into dream world anyway he decided to start packing, he watched some boring movies, read comments about everything he already knew and when morning came he prepared breakfast. Saying goodbye to his friends, to his house that he possibly won't see for 5 years was painful however there was this hope that they will notice he's not fit for this place and decide to kick him out, he wouldn't have to suffer. The car ride seemed to last forever, he secretly hoped some accident would happen so he wouldn't need to face them but it never did and they were already there. Opening the door snatched what was left of his freedom, it immediately brought tears to his eyes, it choked him. It wasn't anything special but suddenly water started filling and the air became heavier.  
\- "Oh Eunsang-ah you're here, do you need help with anything? You're rooming with Dohyon" and the water got even deeper.  
\- "I can manage just fine hyungnim, I don't want to bother you" Wooseok visibly frowned.  
\- "You're never a bother Eunsang, feel free to ask for help whenever you need it. Now if you don't need help I will go check on the kids" lies, no one here wanted to help him for sure, they wanted to get rid of him, he was nothing. A pathetic loser like him shouldn't share the room with someone so young as dohyon, what if he destroys his childhood? He wouldn't be able to live with himself and it was a hard task already. Everyone gathered in the living room but he wasn't invited to join, no one came for him, it brought tears, he didn't want to cry, he should pretend to be strong. He layed down and scrolled through the comments that were already close to his heart and every single one of them was true. Eunsang knew perfection was impossible to achieve but trying wouldn't hurt, right? Actually he probably should go practice right now, _'stop wasting time, it's not like anyone wants you here you pathetic waste of space, be useful at least once in your life'_ and with breaking thoughts like that he packed for the studio. Walking past living room was an easy task, no one paid him any attention, maybe he should've called for a car but it's not like anyone cares so why even bother. Dancing never felt so relaxing, it allowed him to forget about everything. He didn't even notice when night came to view, he checked his phone but no unanswered calls, he just walked to the place he hates so much. Nobody was awake, no dinner waiting for him, maybe it was a sign he should loose some weight, in that case he should listen to others. _'they really don't care about you, they wish you weren't with them, you should make them a favour and disappear'_  
It hurts, it always does but this was the truth, he could try and change his fate but...was it worth a shot?_ 'everyone hates you, they don't need you, just disappear and stop being a disappointment'_  
This voice was right, there's no way it wasn't but Eunsang wouldn't come so far if he gave up at the smallest troubles, maybe his fate was already written, maybe he shouldn't be there but everything can be rewritten and his story won't go down like this. If they don't want him he just needs to prove them he can do it, he will pretend until he can make it, he will write his own story and first chapter begins now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My twitter is @septishad, feel free to message me with any questions or just simply to talk about stuff.


	2. Chapter 2

He slowly opened his eyes, the ray of sunshine coming through the curtains awaken his senses, he was a bit dazed. He leisurely picked his phone up, he checked the clock, bright 8.30 am on the screen, that means no-one woke him up. _'You can't even wake up early, be useful for one fucking day' _But maybe waking up late isn't so bad, that means he could skip breakfast easily and they wouldn't even question that.

He moved out of bed prepared for the morning chaos that comes from living with ten other men. To his suprise it was quiet, after quick inspection he knew why, it's because he was the only one still in the dorm. _'They forgot about you, you're nothing to them, just a bother and waste of space." _The same realization came to him yet again, it's not his place and they all knew that, that's why he was left in the dirt.With blurry vision and shaky hands he picked up his phone and dialed Seungwoo number. It rang for about a minute and went straight to a voicemail. _'They left you here and now they won't even talk to you, they must really hate you' _what was the point of denying that, it was clearly true and he couldn't do anything about it. Hopeless tears of despair making ways down his cheeks. He needs to get better and he needs to stop pitying himself and go practice, maybe one day they will start loving him, though that was just a dumb, miserable hope that lighted this tiny spark in his heart.

* * *

They weren't at the practice room either. They probably went to do something fun, he wasn't fun to be around like minhee, he wasn't smart like junho, he wasn't cute like hyeongjun, he wasn't fierce like dongpyo, he wasn't musical genius and maknae like dohyon, he was just Eunsang, a pathetic loser that nobody wants to be around with. Maybe if he became more like the rest of maknae line hyungs would love him too. 

Suddenly he heard the door opening, it was Hangyul.

\- "Eunsangie! What are you doing here? We don't have any practise until 2pm and it's just 11am" Hangyul eyebrows raised in question.

\- "I just wanted to practice some more hyung" answered Eunsang quietly.

\- "Why? You're a great dancer" Eunsang was visibly surprised by this, it made Hangyul feel uneasy.

\- "Thanks hyung I really appreciate it but I do need some extra practice" Hangyul frowned, something was wrong but he wasn't good with dealing with emotions, if it was serious Eunsang would definitely come to one of them.

\- "If you say so. Don't forget to take a break and eat some snacks. I'm going to meet Seungyoun now, bye!" And he was out of the door leaving poor broken boy alone yet again.

* * *

Practising with whole group was hard, he couldn't focus on anything else but how his hyungs treat younger ones, he wished they would be the same with him. Maybe one day he will earn it. He will be worthy his place and the affection others have. That's the ending of his dreams but the ending never goes as planned so who knows what will happen. Perhaps his book will end earlier than anticipated, and the pages will get torn or maybe another main character will appear and everything turns better or worse. This was truly unpredictable but that's the most exciting part, because who would want to know their future? Especially if it looks as gray as his.

* * *

During his monologue he failed to notice worried looks Hangyul would give him, or the small whispers he would give Seungyoun. Maybe not everything was how it looked?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My twitter is @septishad feel free to message me with questions or just to talk.
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter than I intended so I will try posting another one this or next week.


End file.
